My parenthood experience is limited to 10y. Combine this with my extensive childhood experience which spans to the present day since my parents are still in this world, i can report one thing with confidence: Whenever you feel a distance growing between you and your kids, it is your responsibility as a parent to reach out to them. The longer you wait the longer the distance will grow. Some times parent feel like keeping their ground as a method for kids to understand where they’ve gone wrong.
This approach is not fruitful, distant behavior from parents’ side will not pass any messages to the kids; it will push them away into an introvert defense. Even if th
ere was a point to pass through in the first place it will end up vanishing all together. As time passes in distance, the only point a child will receive is that of indifference.
It might feel beyond your power, or a spoiling move but when you begin to doubt whether you should continue in distance or reach out for one more time, then you need to swallow your pride and reach out. Even If nothing happens and the gap does not bridge you will at least feel some closure knowing you have gone all the way, selflessly.
Forcing an action or an outcome before its time has more negative traits in the process than the gain of a successful outcome.
• If this happens once every now and then is ok. Everybody has fallen in the trap of shaking the tree before the fruit is ready. You might finally get the fruit to fall but you will be too exhausted to enjoy or you might have sacrificed a tree branch in the process.
• If this is your pattern of doing things then is not ok. You need to realize it and alter it.
Here is what the process of forcing outcomes in the wrong timing creates
1 • It is a fun-kill. We make so much effort we forget to pay attention to anything else
2 • It increases the risk of failure. Fruit doesn’t fall, am keep trying in frustration
3 • It creates an imbalance on the effort vs time vs outcome ratio
4 • The above reduces the value of the goal. As we try and try fruitless, we begin to question if that goal really deserves all the effort. Even if we do reach the goal while the effort has been in the discomfort zone, the overall experience won’t be gratifying.
5 • All the above create a feeling of inadequacy as we constantly find ourselves in the overdoing zone in order to achieve things that don’t even fulfill us as much as we thought they would.
So what is the right approach? (if there is such thing in life…)
The simplest and easiest one (we repeatedly tend to overlook): shake the branch till you see that the fruit does not want to come down. Then move on to another branch till you find a fruit that is ready. Don’t fall in the pit of creating attachment to a beautifully shaped fruit that after shaking the crap out of it still hangs in pride. This can easily make you loose yourself and all perspective resulting even in cutting down the whole tree for that one goal. Make no mistake, you might think that specific fruit is all you will ever want from the whole tree, but this is an illusion. Anything you have sacrificed everything for, is guaranteed not to fulfill you.